An individual approach and choices
An individual approach almost always sounds good at school and at home, but children also need clear boundaries. If every difficulty immediately becomes grounds for an exception or another option, children never learn to make an effort, see things through or tolerate discomfort.
Why an individual approach needs boundaries
I was a child once, I have children of my own, and I work with children every day. So I am not speaking about this as an outsider. At school, you quickly see what happens when children get used to the idea that any task they find uncomfortable must immediately be changed to suit them.
The amount of freedom and choice given to students, and to children in general, is beginning to go beyond what is tolerable. This is not just about school. The same pattern emerges at home, in training, at the computer and later at work. When standards disappear, the sense of what to aim for quietly disappears too.
Children need standards. These are there to give them something to hold on to, not to break them. They might involve manners, learning, physical education, attending training or a simple promise: finish what you start. When children cannot yet set their own goals, that is the job of parents, the school and teachers.
Individuality matters. Of course children are different. One is better at running, another at writing, and a third picks up math more quickly. But emphasizing individuality must not become an excuse to remove every demand for effort. That is where the line must be drawn.
If every lesson and every situation is guided solely by what a child prefers at that moment, we will reach a point where, in 20 years, every student has their own personal syllabus. Would that be normal? Hardly. School cannot be an endless system of exceptions where shared expectations no longer apply.
How choices can undermine effort
Take a simple example. In physical education, the teacher says: if you cannot manage a long run, run a shorter distance, but do it several times and run fast. That is a reasonable adjustment. But if an adjustment means the child no longer has to make any effort at all, it stops being support and becomes giving in.
The same applies to other subjects. In math, you cannot always say that if word problems do not suit a child, we will only do something else. In literature, a poem cannot replace an essay every time. Jaan, Raul and Ene may need different kinds of support, but they also need to understand that some things simply have to be done.
A familiar example from the film Spring fits well here. Teacher Laur tells Toots: “Try to do better in your studies! If you can’t learn everything you’ve been assigned, you don’t have to. But whatever you learn, learn it well.” Toots replies that tomorrow he will learn half of his Russian lesson. Laur says: “Good! Learn half, but learn it well!”
What happened next? Toots tried to push the boundary a little further: “If I can’t manage two math problems, I’ll do one!” That is the heart of the matter. Once children realize they can immediately negotiate any requirement down to half, they will start using that pattern. It is human nature, not malice. The easier path is simply easier.
To be honest, this is not just a problem with children. Adults do the same. If they dislike an exercise at the gym, they skip it. If running is hard, they find an excuse. If work requires concentration, they look for something easier. Children quickly learn the same behavior, especially when adults continually allow it.
This is particularly clear in physical education. When the spring endurance run comes around, getting an exemption note and making yourself out to be ill is easier than getting through one uncomfortable run. But if you never practice tolerating discomfort, you will not develop perseverance. And without perseverance, many good things remain out of reach.
An individual approach in training and at school
The same logic applies to training. Struggling with a movement does not automatically mean you should stop doing it. Often, it means that this is precisely where your weakness lies. Wise bodybuilding coaches have said that if you dislike an exercise, that is exactly the exercise you need to do. It indicates that the muscles involved are weak or that you are weak at the movement itself.
This idea applies at school too. If a child struggles to memorize words, always learning something else will not solve the problem. If a child struggles with a ball game, always letting them leave the court will not help. The solution is often simpler and less comfortable: practice a little more.
Take ball games. If a child cannot be bothered to make the effort to get their feet moving, they will be hit by the ball straight away in dodgeball. In volleyball, they will not get into position in time. In basketball, they will move too late. In Indiaca, they will not get under the Indiaca shuttlecock in time to hit it back to the opponent’s side. The game then seems boring. But the real reason is not always the game itself: the necessary skill has not yet developed.
One shortcoming leads to the next. Because they cannot do it, they dislike it. Because they dislike it, they do not practice. Because they do not practice, they struggle even more. Eventually, it seems as though nothing interests them. In reality, the child has not had the chance to stick with one thing long enough to experience success.
Video games are another telling example. These days, there are endless online games to choose from. When one gets difficult, you move on to the next. Then another. If you cannot get past the beginning, there is no need to keep trying, because there are millions of alternatives. Constantly switching teaches you that when things get difficult, you can escape to something new instead of working through the challenge.
I remember when I played games on yellow cartridges. I could not afford new cartridges from Rakvere market, nor was I willing to spend the money. I had only two games: Super Mario and Tank. That meant I could not simply click away whenever things got difficult. I failed, ran out of lives and started again.
Eventually, I became very good at those games. Not because they were easy, but because I had few options and plenty of repetition. That taught me to try again. This is precisely the skill children are losing when they are immediately offered an easier path around every difficulty.
I encounter dozens of children who can stay engaged or concentrate for only 5 – 6 minutes. If agreed standards and even the slightest expectation of effort disappear as well, there will be more children like this. This is not just a problem for schools. It is a problem for families, extracurricular activities and society as a whole.
How to keep choices from undermining responsibility
The simple truth is that children need both understanding and expectations. Expectations alone become harshness. Understanding alone becomes an easy ride. A good adult can distinguish between a child who genuinely cannot do something and one who simply does not want to.
The standard must be achievable for most children, at least at a satisfactory level. I would stake my reputation on the fact that no reasonable teacher demands anything outlandish for a grade of three. When a student has the right attitude, teachers tend to be understanding and flexible. Sometimes they do make allowances, but those must not become an automatic entitlement.
I, too, have taught many students whose PE grade of 4 or 5 is not down to exceptional athletic ability. It is more about their attitude. They make an effort, give things a go and work to the best of their abilities. That attitude deserves to be valued.
So what actually helps? First, children need to know the minimum they must do. Second, they need an opportunity to practice without constantly being shamed. Third, adults must hold firm: if we agreed to do something, we see it through. Not perfectly, but with an honest effort.
An individual approach does not mean that obligations disappear. It means the adult chooses a suitable path toward the same goal. One child may need more time, another an easier starting point, and a third more specific instructions. But the goal remains: to learn, make an effort and take responsibility.
If we do not maintain that boundary, we may one day find ourselves in the absurd situation where children are not even expected to be polite or say “hello” when entering a room, because this is supposedly a difficult challenge given their personality. That sounds over the top, but this is exactly how boundaries slip when every shared standard becomes open to debate.
I am not suggesting there should be no choices. Far from it. Choices are necessary when they support development. But a choice must not become an automatic escape route from anything difficult. Children need obligations and responsibility too, not just rights and endless options. People choose the easier path nine times out of ten. That is precisely why children need an adult who sometimes says: try again.
Frequently asked questions
Is an individual approach a bad thing?
No. It becomes a problem when an individual approach means giving up on effort. Sensible support helps children reach the goal, rather than removing it.
How can you tell the difference between support and giving in too much?
Ask whether the child is still moving toward the same core goal. If so, that is support. If the goal disappears and all that remains is a more comfortable option, you are already giving in.
What can parents do at home?
Stick to simple agreements. Have your child finish a task they have started, try something difficult again and experience how effort can produce results. Small, consistent expectations build responsibility more effectively than a long lecture.
Author: Janar Rückenberg
Source:Turg.Fitness.ee
Come work out! ArtGym
